bad news, cant quiet understand it.

[LW]

I've been struggling a little bit since early tuesday morning when I received a call that a long time friend and colleague had died at 39 years old. A little history for you. Years ago, this guy was working at a local convenience store that all the emergency services frequented and one day he asked me if he could do a ride along to see if he wanted to pursue it as a career. I agreed and set him up even though I didn't really know him. He immediately fell in love and was a natural. He went to school and got hired into the system and years later, we even attended a 2 week prehire academy at a local flight service together. This guy was a natural. And he became a close friend and I have been continuously proud that I helped him get started. Anyway, he hadnt been heard from in a couple of days and was found dead at home.
The next day, I find out that he apparently killed himself. I know that public safety work isnt exactly easy on mental health but I just would have never believed that he would do this. I dont really know what to think. Part of me wonders if I helped get him into something that eventually lead to his breakdown. Who knows what happened. I know that it logically isnt my fault but I just hate the whole situation.

[BarryBobPosthole]

LW, I lost a good friend of damn near 35 years last October to suicide. He left behind a granddaughter that adored him and a lot of good friends, including me, that would have done anything for him. The hard part for me was getting over being pissed. Me and a couple of close firends waked him in our favorite wateringhole in Dallas the night after the service. I still couldn't get over being mad at him until one of my buddies pulled me aside and yanked a knot in my ass.
There's no understanding why, so don't ask. It just is what it is. I have my own personal feelings about antidepressants and the role they play these days in suicides but that don't make it any easier.
Awful sorry to hear you lost a friend. That's tough duty right there.
BKB

[LW]

I wish that I could be angry about it. Just cant get there.

[Buckrub]

Really sorry for your loss, LW.

[LJ3]

Sorry buddy. Unfortunately I too have some experience there. I need BBP's friend to come yank a knot in my ass. I got pissed, and have stayed pissed for the 6 years since it happened.

It's a hard thing to let go of when it makes so very little sense. I'm really sorry to hear about your buddy. It sounds like you guys did right by each other and that's all we can really ask in life.

[Thumper]

Well, dang! I'll add myself to the list as I had a niece take her own life about 5-6 years ago. She was only 16 years old! She and I were very close and we e-mailed/texted regularly ... I'm talking 3-4 times/week (she lived in Georgia). Then, all of a sudden, she quit communicating. I thought it odd I hadn't heard from her but simply thought she was busy with school or something. When I got the news of her death, I was constantly kicking myself in the butt and blaming myself for not questioning her sudden silence. BUT ... I never had one hint of what was to come. I still, to this day, feel I should have been able to sense something wasn't right but I never had a clue. Hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I'd questioned her sudden withdrawal. It took a few years before I finally quit blaming myself.

It's tough and there is never a reasonable answer. I'm sorry to hear about your friend ... but you had nothing to do with the eventual outcome.

[LW]

I know it isn't my fault but my type A personality needs an answer now as to why it happened. I know I wont get the answer. I wish you all could have known him. He was a unique creature. Scary smart with a scalpel sharp tongue. He could "dumbass" somebody and make them appreciate it. And he did regularly. And people loved him. An absolute riot to be around. I miss him.

[Captain]

So sorry for the loss of your close friend. But you cannot assign yourself any blame or responsibility for this action.
I too have had several friends kill themselves. One was a good turkey hunting buddy and I always think of him this time of the year. About 8 years ago he climbed into his loc-on style stand he had in his back yard where he practiced shooting his bow and put a gun to his head. Two young boys and a wonderful wife. No one saw it coming. I loaded all his ammo for him, which included the round he killed himself with.
I've hunted two of the exact spots where he and I use to set up this year.
Hope you find peace with this soon.
Take Care, Captain

Sent from my iPhone using Forum Runner

[Bwana]

So sorry you are having to go through this LW.

[HideHunter]

So sorry LW. Never had anyone real close slose the deal" but I did have a friend (now gone form natural causes) who literally dodged a bridge abuttment at the last second. We talked about it some (years later) and he told me once you start thinking about it, it seems like the most natural, sensible way out. He said he planned it for weeks. Worked out every detail. Had double indemnity if he died in an accident - thus the bridge. Now here's the kicker. After all the planning the reason he backed out was he remembered at the last second, they had rescheduled one of his sons' Little League games for that night and how upset they would be to have someone come to the ball park. He'd shake his head the whole time he was telling it. He said, "It seems so dumb now. It seemed so smart then."

[Big Boy]

Very sorry for your loss, fortunately I can't imagine.

[Sunshine]

You want an answer, so here's one.

He lost his will to live.
He and he alone chose to do this.

It's a very sad situation for him and all that knew him.

Once a person decides he/she is going to do this, NO one can stop it from happening.

Anyone going through or has gone through this, is left with the questions WHY?

Why didnt I see this happening?
Why didn't I spend more time with the person, and see there was a problem?
Why did he/she do this?

There is/was nothing you could have done!


Any person that's done this, doesn't think about what this kind of action does to the living or they might not have done it.

They've fallen so deep, into sadness, they don't want help.

The only thing they think, will help, is to end feeling anything.

You can't keeping wondering what you could have done to stop it or if you had anything to have caused it!

You didn't!

For all you know he lived years longer, because he met you!
He might have done this years earlier otherwise.

It's just a real sad situation all around.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Gunther]

Maybe it was PTSD, shit can build up you know. The best ones do seem to take it personally, the ones that last seem to be able to come to grips with it after awhile, at least the blaming of themselves. You know that some just seem to stick with you, even if it isn't any more tragic than some others. One of mine is a head on on I-29. A drunk ass mofo killed an innocent woman. Seen other shit just as bad but I drive past it almost every day. It's been about 10 years and I don't recall ever not thinking about it when I pass MM 249.

Go climb a large hill. Scream real loud. Works for me. Condolences buddy.