Gosh danged, stubborn, hard-headed woman!!!!

[Thumper]

My mom is pushing 83 and at the point ya' can't tell her ANYTHING! She know's it all and all I ever hear is, "I've lived almost 83 years without (insert anything you want here) and I don't need it now!" She still drives ... to the corner grocery store every couple weeks and to the hair dresser every Tuesday. I bought her a cell phone a couple years ago but she refuses to even keep it charged. I told her not to leave the house without it, but it was like talking to a brick wall. Every time I'm there, I plug it into the charger as every time I get there, it's unplugged and dead. Doesn't matter anyway, if she leaves the house, the phone stays on the kitchen counter ... DEAD!

She lives by herself, that's the way she wants it and NOBODY is going to change that. One evening I called to check on her and got no answer. I called every half hour or so until about 10:00 that night. Home phone and cell phone .... nothing. Had she "fallen and can't get up"? Had she had a stroke or heart attack? Was there a home invasion and she's tied up ... or worse? No neighbors to call as they're worthless and I don't even know their names ... wouldn't matter if I did, I wouldn't call if I could. I'd call the Sheriff first.

I got up, got dressed and drove the half hour over there and got there about 11:00 PM (she was in bed) just to find she'd forgotten to hang up the home phone. The cell phone? Dead as a door-nail ... of course! Well, today is her "hair dresser" day. Some dude called me a while ago and said my mom was stuck on the side of the road with car trouble. He put her on the line and of course she was upset. I told her to stay with the car and I'd call the Cadillac dealer and have them send a tow truck. She said the gentleman who stopped had already called one for her (a local tow company who also has a repair garage). Ok, I told her to have it towed to the Caddie dealer. I called my buddy at the dealership and told him she'd be coming in "on the hook" and to please arrange a ride home for her.

Time goes by and I hear nothing. The Caddie dealer hasn't seen or heard from her. CRAP!! She has no cell phone ... no way to even know where she is. I decide to call the house and she answers the phone. Turns out the "nice" gentleman who was driving the tow truck said he could take it to their shop and fix it much cheaper than the dealer, so he dropped her off at her house and left with her car. I asked what she told them to do and she said she told them to do whatever needs to be done! DAMMIT!!! The last time she did that they were about to pull the transmission and engine to fix a tiny frigging oil leak that the car has had since it was new (it's a '98). The estimate was over $6000 F'ING $$$$!!! Luckily I caught them before they'd started and told them to just fix the f'ing broken belt which was why it was towed in.

Ok, today I find out who picked up her car and they're some of the biggest crooks in town! Again, she'd told them to "do whatever it needs!!!!" I just got off the phone with them and told them not to touch the f'ing car until I get there tomorrow. I also called the Caddie dealer and told them to go on home and not to bother waiting for her (they had the driver waiting to take her home). I'm so frigging pissed right now I can't see straight. The last time I tried to convince her she's incompetent, it caused a war and she didn't speak to me for a month. I really don't need this stress but I'm to the point I just want to ring her neck. (there's MUCH more, this is just the tip of the iceberg)

I've just finished pulling out what little hair I had left.

[Big Muddy]

Man, I been there and done that !!!!!....dealing with my Dad's dementia was a piece of cake....dealing with my Mom's dementia was an absolute terror....I knew I HAD to do it, but the day I took her car keys and car away from her is emblazoned on my brain....she had several fender-benders, and other times, she would forget where she had parked the car in the grocery store parking lot.

She called me every cuss word name known to mankind and every sailor who ever lived....some cuss words I'd never even heard before ;).... I'd never heard her ever cuss, previously....she got over it, and two days later, she didn't even remember owning a car.

You gotta do what you gotta do for her own safety....and, liability is another big issue to consider, also....what if she kills a child in the street, or someone in a car accident???....just saying.

[Buckrub]

Deal with it daily...........from a distance of 125 feet.

Hang in there.

[Thumper]

Went over there Saturday to take care of all the little chores that needed taken care of. Friends called yesterday and asked why I hadn't been over there as I told them I was going to do. I was there for 6 hours, took care of all her little honey-do's ... yet she told them she hasn't seen or heard from me in weeks. Sheeesh, it's an almost daily thing. I won't even get into the $30,000 (I've heard $30,000 and $60,000 ... not sure which is correct and she won't let me see her bank account) a scum bag "family member" (who's also on the account) talked her into giving to them which cleaned out her savings. Now I find out she cancelled her supplementary Medicare Insurance "because she's never needed it" and can no longer afford it. ARRRRGGGHHH! The above is a long story which sounds simple to handle ... trust me, it's not ... a crazy web of circumstances. I never talk about this stuff here but I've about reached the end of my rope with this bullshit. I think I'm ready to crack.

[Captain]

So sorry to hear this. She was always so sweet (and I'm sure she still is) when I would talk to her checking up on you...
We are dealing with the same situation with my mom and it is very difficult.
Hang in there. You only got one Momma....

Sent from my iPhone using Forum Runner

[Thumper]

Yep Cappy ... she's sweet as honey one minute, then can turn into the Devil at the bat of an eye. But, she's all I have left. I deal with it ... but sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming as I'm the only family in town ... so I'm the "go-to" guy.

[Buckrub]

Gets old. In both uses of the phrase.

Happened to my wife's grandmother, her mother, now my mother...... nothing to do but take it today, and tomorrow take it today again, and so on. One day at a time. I fear the worst, from many angles, but I'll go totally nuts (totally MORE nuts??) dwelling on it.

Just try and realize, truly realize, that you can NOT change it.

[Thumper]

The argumentative part when I try to help is a real downer. Recently she was writing checks to pay bills and then went grocery shopping. She always waits until she's almost completely out of groceries before she goes to the store. Well, she loads a cart almost full, gets to the cashier, goes through the check-out procedure and goes to write a check ... only to discover she'd left her checkbook on her desk at home where she was paying bills. The store had to roll her cart into the walk-in cooler so she could go home, get her checkbook, then return to the store and pay her bill. When she called me I asked why she didn't simply put it on her credit card. She talked to me like I was a total idiot and informed me grocery stores DO NOT TAKE CREDIT CARDS! Nothing I could say would convince her they do. The next time she went to the store she told me she asked about the credit card thing and they told her, "yes, they just recently started accepting them". Yeah right ... she wouldn't admit she was wrong in a million years (this is a major, National grocery store chain).

Someone just shoot me!

[Big Muddy]

Hahaha....it's really not a laughing matter, but it reminds me of, after my parents died, and we were going through their home and belongings to set up the estate sale....we found eight sets of Mom's car keys that she had stashed inside pots, pans, crock pots, oven mitts, butter dishes, you name it....she was too embarrassed to admit she'd lost(hidden) a set, and would call the dealer to send over a new set....found out later that Bill, at the dealer's part dept., had been supplying them to her....she'd call and beg him for another set....she'd tell him, "Please do NOT tell my son!!!"....I still see Bill, ocassionally, and we laugh about him being my Mom's undercover "key mule." ;)

[Thumper]

Yep Edward ... if I got into the forgetfulness thing, I could be writing all day. It's a really, really tough thing to deal with on a daily basis and my being the only family in town makes it super tough on me. Luckily we have a long-time family friend (a couple who were originally friends of mine) who are as close to family as one could get. They live much closer and have pretty much taken her under their wing and check on her often. They've practically taken over her grocery shopping for her to make sure mom is eating correctly. She doesn't want to cook anymore, so has a habit of picking up "junk food" that's easy to just open a box/bag to eat. Without them giving me a hand on the day to day stuff, I'd be a total frigging nut-job.

I feel kinda guilty unloading here as she IS my mom and I love her, but the car thing was the straw that broke the camel's back. I can tell her something a bazillion times and she ignores (or more likely forgets) every stinkin' word I say. If I could just get her to quit telling car repair places to "do whatever it needs" to a 16 year old Cadillac that gets driven 22 miles/month, it would be a major victory.

[Big Muddy]

Thump, I really do sympathize with you, buddy....I consider myself to be a rather patient guy, but for the 5 1/2 years, that I cared for and dealt with my parents dementia, and later on full-blown Alzheimer's, I had to constantly remind myself that:
>they were the only parents that I'd ever have
>they had cared for me, raised me, and supported me in many ways, for many years
>I KNEW I'd miss them both, greatly, when they were no longer around

[Thumper]

Eddie quote;


we found eight sets of Mom's car keys that she had stashed inside pots, pans, crock pots, oven mitts, butter dishes, you name it....she was too embarrassed to admit she'd lost(hidden) a set, and would call the dealer to send over a new set....found out later that Bill, at the dealer's part dept., had been supplying them to her....she'd call and beg him for another set....she'd tell him, "Please do NOT tell my son!!!"....I still see Bill, ocassionally, and we laugh about him being my Mom's undercover "key mule."

Been there, done that Edward. Consider yourself REAL lucky. Those "lost" keys get pretty expensive when the keyless entry remote is attached to 'em at $50 a pop (for a used/refurbished one), not to mention the fact the keys themselves have a computer chip in 'em that has to be matched to the car. :(

[BarryBobPosthole]

My Dad lived by himself, about three hours from me, probably for 20 years before he came to live with Julie and I, just two years before he passed. He did some cooking for himself but mainly lived on sandwiches and snack foods. Whenever I'd visit I'd try to clean up his kitchen and refrigerator a little bit but he always got mad at me when I'd do it. I know it'd piss me off too so I always felt guilty as hell when I'd leave. So I had to balance that and what my nosey aunts and cousins in Dad's home town thought I should do so nobody was happy. Finally I got so scared he'd burned his house down with him in it, I talked it over with him and moved him in with Julie and me. I had thoughts of getting him into an apartment or house at a local retirement community we have here that's run by the Baptists. An 'assisted living' type arrangement where someone was nearby if he needed help and we weren't available. The waiting list at the time was about a year. Then he fell about the time his name was coming up for it and had to have hip surgery and he never walked again. So we had to move him into a nursing home. Every single time I visited him over the course of the next year he'd tell me he was a prisoner and I'd put him there. I don't think I'll ever get over the guilt from that. I always thought I'd never ever allow one of my parents or family in one of those places but when it comes down to either quitting your job and taking care of them full time, which nobody could afford at the time, its the only decision you can make. Still, its a tough decision to make. I don't usually have a hard time looking back over my shoulder at decisions: move on is my mantra. But that decision will haunt me to my grave. I know it was the right one to make at the time but that doesn't make a differerence in how you feel about it later.

So think long and hard about how you take care of your Mom. I know you will. But its a tough one.

BKB

[LJ3]

I feel ya Jimmy. My Mom is the exact same way. Hell, I could tell you stories and you'd think I was talking about your Mom. Sounds like a few of us have to deal with the same thing. IT reaches a point where you just have to accept there will be NO CHANGE AT ALL. I try to use humor and laugh about it. Otherwise it will just eat away at you.

I do see now, where some of us andiain'tsayingwho, get our curmudgeon gene :)

[Thumper]

P-hole, we recently went through something very similar with our best friends' mother. (MIL of the guy who owns all the Subways in town) They had her in a condo they owned and she was very independent (sweetest lady you could ever know). She's a pleasure to deal with although she's REALLY up there in age. BUT, she knows what needs to be done and is sharp as a tack ... but realizes the old age thing is catching up to her. She wrecked her car a few months ago. There were no witnesses, but she made a left turn in front of somebody and got t-boned. She said the other guy ran the light as she had a turn arrow. The other driver said he had a green light and she turned in front of him. Nobody knows what really happened and the cops said they could not assign blame as there were no other witnesses. The insurance company fixed her car, but she sold it and never drove again after the accident. She said that although she "knows" she had the turn arrow, it was a sign that maybe she should stop driving. It really disturbed her thinking she "may" have been wrong, even though she "knew" she had the arrow. She admitted her age might be a factor.

Shortly after that, she had lunch cooking on the stove, sat down to watch tv and the pan caught on fire. There was no fire damage, but there was quite a bit of smoke damage. We went over to clean the place up and Lynn & I took the ozone machine from the hotel over there to get the smoke smell out of the house. A few weeks later, she put a steak on the stove, sat down, fell asleep and the same thing happened. We cleaned up the mess and she made the announcement that maybe it's time she moved into an assisted living apartment. There's a VERY nice one in town and she got real lucky as an opening had just come up. The place is VERY nice and they have their own apartments. They serve three meals/day in a large dining room and the food is quite good. Plus they have fruit and snacks available during the day. The apartments also have a small kitchen with refrigerator, microwave, etc. The residents come and go as they wish and can even have a car if they want. For those who don't drive, they supply transportation to grocery stores, the mall, etc. as well as take residents for their doctor appointments. They also have all sorts of daily activities, a library, tv room, gym, game room ... you name it, they have it. She loves it there and is surprised at how good the food is. There is medical staff on premises if needed and although there is a laundry room available, the staff comes in once/week and changes all the bedding. The residents basically do their own thing, can come and go as they please, but there's assistance available if they need it.

Well, she told me about an opening coming up and I approached my mom with the idea of her moving in there. She went ballistic and wouldn't speak to me for a month. She also called all the other family members to tell them the awful thing I was trying to do to her (along with MANY embellishments that simply weren't true) and I became public enemy number one in her eyes.

It's REALLY tough dealing with this and this is the first time I've ever mentioned anything about my mom here, but I think it helps a bit just to write about it and release a little steam that's been building for a long time now. If I got into the finances and family politics, it would turn into a novel and make your head spin. You just have no idea and I won't torture anyone here with the details.

Facing this stuff is the toughest thing one can go through I think and it's even tougher when you care about the person involved. I can relate to all of your stories here ... believe me.

Edit: Just saw your post Lenster ... this thing seems a lot more prevalent with the G/H crowd than I realized. I guess we all have a few life's problems that are a bit painful to talk about.

[Buckrub]

Thump, I thought of something about this today........... I deal with this every single day.

Think about this. Let's say that this happens to you. I have no clue where Alzheimer's came from, it burst on the scene. But it's real. The odds of you and/or I getting it is pretty high. Let's say we start to get it, or even if we don't..........let's say we just get old and crotchety. Do you want YOUR kid(s) telling you what to do, or do you want to still make all the decisions you possibly can, even if they are stupid???

[Thumper]

Well Bucky, I totally see your point ... but I disagree with what (I think) you're trying to tell me. There's an old saying (I used to think it came from the Bible, but I looked for it years ago and never found it ... maybe you can enlighten me) ... "Once a man, twice a child". In my adult years I've seen so many cases of Alzheimer's/Dementia, that I ALWAYS think of that old quote. It makes perfect sense to me and as far as I can tell, is totally true in the case of these "diseases". As a child you need guidance and many decisions made FOR you, until you become an adult and can make your own decisions (not that that adults always make the right decisions, but I'm sure you get my point). "Once a child, once an adult." (so far)

Children shouldn't be left to make their own decisions in many instances ... especially when it comes to their personal health and welfare. We as responsible adults/parents should be making their major life's decisions for them IMHO. It's like pulling teeth to get mom to even go to the doctor anymore ... "they're all quacks and don't know what they're talking about". Would you let your child make the decision as to whether or not he/she receives his/her childhood immunizations/vaccinations?

"Hi Little Billy ... would you like to go to the doctor for your measles shot today or would you rather play ball?"

I think you know the answer you'd most likely hear.

That's why 10-year olds can't legally vote ... or get a driver's license ... or smoke/drink alcohol, etc. They're really not mentally capable of knowing what they are doing.

I feel that once Alzheimer's/Dementia kicks in, the old "once a man, twice a child" scenario kicks in. I can't even leave it up to her to shower regularly or eat correctly. I went over one day to check on her meds and two bottles were empty. I didn't mention the empty bottles but asked if she was taking them. Of course the answer was, "Yes." I bought her one of those day/night pill box thingies and she refused to use it. Said she has a "system" that works better. (she turns the pill bottle upside down when she takes her pills in the morning ... right side up at night). I asked how she knows if she remembered to take YESTERDAY'S meds and she said she doesn't forget! That's when I hit her with the bomb that two of her frigging bottles were EMPTY and she had not re-filled her Rx. Of course she said she JUST took the last pill and was going for her re-fills TODAY. Wrong ... I showed her the dates the Rx was re-filled last and she'd been out of pills for days. Then she proceeded to chew my head off!

I could go on and on, but to answer your question ... I'm sure I'd "want" to make my own decisions. That doesn't mean I'd be mentally capable of making those decisions.

[DeputyDog]

That is the problem with adults who are suffering from those conditions. A lot of the time, they believe that they are totally capable of still making those decisions and until something major happens, they don't think there is any problem. With a kid, that's all they've ever known, so until they start getting older, they don't fight you on making the decisions for them.

[Buckrub]

I see what you're saying Jim. But I mistakenly mixed the two situations. Your Mama doesn't have Dementia. She's just like my Mama, and Len's, etc...She's just old and crotchety. Set in her ways. Forgetful.

When YOU are that way, do you want your kids forcing you to do stuff, or do you want to make your own decisions?

[BarryBobPosthole]

I know you didn't ask me that question but my answer is I want to be independent and then when it's time I want to die in my own bed. and that ain't always possible I know. Its hard to say if I'll give my kids much grief over it if they decide otherwise. Probably will.

BKB

[Buckrub]

I will give them as much grief as it takes to get them out of my 'bidness'.............. I by GOLLY am NOT going to go quietly into submission to three rugrats that got lucky and growed up! I'm the Chief in THIS tribe, and I ain't givin' up my headdress just cause the sun came up too many times.

(Man, I hope it works this way).

[LJ3]

I have contracts written in blood that my girls will take me fishing once a month during the warmer months. I hope I live long enough to collect on that. I raised my fishing buddies :)

[Thumper]

She's just old and crotchety. Set in her ways. Forgetful. When YOU are that way, do you want your kids forcing you to do stuff, or do you want to make your own decisions?

Of course there's an obvious answer here ... I don't believe that makes it right. Making smart decisions and making harmful decisions are two different things. Where/when do you draw the line?

She takes her car to the Caddie dealer and tells them, "Do whatever it needs". Duh! They come up with almost $6500 in repairs .. they need to pull the engine/trans to fix an oil leak (a SMALL leak that's been there since the car was practically new ... this POS engine comes with built-in oil leaks from the factory!). Does she call me? You know, the guy who MANAGED service departments of major Cadillac dealers for 20 years? No. She tells them to "fix it"! The frigging car is worth MAYBE $4000 on a VERY good day (book is probably closer to $2000, if that). Luckily I caught wind of it and stopped them before they got started. She drives 20-25 miles/month ... if that. Was that the decision she should have made?

My step-dad had an adopted son. This guy is the biggest blow-hard you'd ever want to know and a total jerk. He has a land clearing business in Georgia and has a huge house on about 20 acres of property. The kids and himself have every expensive toy known to man ... motorcycles, 4-wheelers, THREE boats ... 1-bass boat, 1-cabin cruiser type "big" boat ... and his "toy", a hydroplane type race boat with a fuel injected 454 Chevy Big Block race motor. His wife drives a Lexus, he has a humongous, tricked out 4WD F-350. He brags about his toys and money. What many people don't know is, he's financed out the wazoo. Problem is, before my step-dad died, he put the son on mom's bank account and she refuses to let me change anything. He can open his lap-top and see every account she has. When the economy went down the toilet, do you think he sold off some of his his toys? No, he gave mom a sob story about how he was going to lose his house and he and his family were about to become homeless. She fell for it and he cleaned out her savings of ($30,000 - $60,000 ... can't get an accurate total). He sent her $100 for Christmas about 5 years ago ... toward "repayment" yet he still has all his toys. He'll never pay back a dime of that money and he's simply waiting for her to die. Was that a good decision on her part? On the flip side, MY business of 20 years went into the toilet (like so many others) at the same time. I closed the business and started driving a frigging truck to pay my bills and I've sold all my "toys". I never once even considered asking my mom for help.

Since she had no cash "cushion" in the bank, she decided to cancel her supplemental Social Security coverage "because she can't afford it". She's almost 83 years old, was that a good decision?

I've got a million of 'em, but I'll spare you. Many "poor" decisions are medical related ... she has recently decided she's smarter than her doctor.

There comes a time when someone else (who cares) NEEDS to step in and make some decisions whether she "wants" it or not. I really don't see where that's wrong.

[Buckrub]

I DO get it. But...how she spends her money is her business. It's HER money, not yours.

My mother spends her money on a drunken, lazy, worthless, and VERY MEAN 56 year old kid. Free housing, free food, insurance, cable TV, you name it. But it's HER money, not mine. I waste mine on fishing. She wastes hers on a bum.

My point, and I don't think you're going to agree, is that people get to make bad decisions, even when we love them and wish they'd do better.

[Big Muddy]

Jim, I think I mentioned this here when it happened....my Dad was already in assisted-living, in a nice big room, more than big enough for a married couple....Mom refused to stay with him, but wanted to visit him, EVERY SINGLE day, and I had to drive her there.

I'm sure the Good Lord will deal with me one day about this, but her a/c went fubar....I had it repaired, but in doing so, I got an idea....I shut off the breaker for about half a day, until she called to tell me she was hot....I only "suggested" she stay with Dad for a few days, until I could get it repaired, again....she fell for it, loved the place, and never came back home. ;)

Sometimes, you have to use a little cunning, and let them "think" it's their idea to do something.

[Thumper]

Eddie, I've tried that. Somewhere above I mentioned my friend's mom moving to those "assisted" apartments type thingies. I arranged for a lunch with that lady and was going to take my mom along to see how nice it is and "maybe" convince her that it might be a good option. It came down to the wire and she cancelled. After the third time I gave up.

Bucky, it IS her money (or was). BUT ... she's cancelled her SS Supplementary Insurance. At her age, it's just a matter of time before a medical crisis arises and all she has now is basic Medicare. Who do you think will be stepping in to take care of her medical expenses if she has an issue (which is inevitable)? She now has no savings AND no (or minimal) insurance. I'll guarandamntee you, that jerk-off in Georgia won't be taking care of her.

[Buckrub]

Then let the jerkoff in Washington do it.

[Thumper]

So ... you'd trust YOUR Mom to Obummer? Besides, my mom is white middle class ... nobody in Washington would help her anyway.

[Buckrub]

I wouldn't, no.

But SHE sure would!

[Thumper]

Yep, my step-dad was a Democrat and converted her ... so I suppose she would too.