Friday humor.....

[Big Muddy]

"""Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 90 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."""


5873

[DeputyDog]

A cop pulls a guy over for running a red light. The driver is very upset and calls the officer every name in the book. When the officer gives the driver the ticket, the driver notices that the officer had put the letters "AH" in the lower right corner of the ticket.

The driver asks the officer what that means and the cop tells the driver, "That is so that when we are in court I can remember what an asshole you've been." Needless to say they do end up in court and the driver of the car has an attorney.

The attorney asks the officer about the ticket and questions him about the letters he added to the corner. The officer says that it stands for "aggressive and hostile". The attorney asks him if it could possibly mean "asshole"?

The officers answers, "Well, you know your client better than I do."

[airbud7]

haha those were good ones^...sh*t now I gotta find one to post :D

[BarryBobPosthole]

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"

He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"

"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."

[airbud7]

LMAO Barry^ :lmao