I've finally found a list which confirms why I'm totally OVER this whole hand-wringing, fear-mongering "Safer At Home" order. Ready to follow along?

Please look for any consistency whatsoever:

1. Basically, you can't leave the house for any reason; but if you have to, then you can.

2. Masks are useless, as the best way to prevent spread is to wash your hands. But, maybe you have to wear one, as it can save you. Some are useless, but still mandatory as well. Please donate yours to your local nurses.

3. Stores are closed, except those that are open. No rhyme or reason to those that are/aren't.

4. You should not go to hospitals unless you *have to* go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency (provided you are not too sick).

5. This virus is deadly, but still not *too* scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global economic disaster.

6. Gloves won't help, but they can still help. Do and don't wear them, depending on the situation. Gloves cross-contaminate surfaces, but dirty hands somehow don't.

7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it's important to GO OUT. Unless the police don't want you to, then you should remind them of the Constitution, unless you're in a state that roundly ignores it.

8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning (sometimes). Still not a square of paper products to be found, and we're a month into this.

9. The virus has no effect on children, except those it affects. Then it does.

10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, can have symptoms without being sick, or may also be contagious without having symptoms. Basically, we're all clueless.

12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, get Vitamin D (sun). But eat whatever you have on hand, and it's better not to go out, so... good luck?

13. It's better to get some fresh air, but you will be judged harshly by internet moms when you DO escape and get some fresh air. Most importantly, you don't dare go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant (but not too old). If you're too old, everyone will simply be amazed that you're still alive, and won't be mad. Just don't cough.

14. You can't go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication. You still shouldn't go, but please do, so Gam-Gam can stay healthy.

15. If you are sick, you can't go out, but you can go to the pharmacy, which is usually inside the only type of store allowed to operate, and where everyone who is healthy chooses to go when they're bored.

16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn't wear masks or gloves. But you are advised to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza... who knows?!?

17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with "I don't want to trigger panic, BUT…"

18. You can't drive to see your older mother or grandmother, but you can absolutely take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver. And your older mother or grandmother can go to Sam's Club and pay a cashier in their 20's. Totally consistent.

19. You can walk around with a friend, but definitely *not* with your family if they don't live under the same roof.

20. You are mostly safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance. Because logic.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours; no, four; no, six; no, we didn't say hours... maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Well, not necessarily. Stainless steel is literally more dangerous than a cardboard shipping box.

22. The virus stays in the air - well maybe, especially in a closed room. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance (6 feet) you should be fine; however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe. Please only walk in one direction in the supermarkets, the virus is not smart enough to drift from one aisle to the next. Wash your hands.

23. We count the number of deaths, but we don't know how many people are infected, as we have only tested those who were "almost dead" to find out if that's what they will die of… and the actual death figure is inflated because the hospitals have incentive to do so, as there's a great deal of Medicare money associated with each COVID-19 death. But, please do trust those numbers, as they're used to fuel the fear on the nightly news. But don't panic. Recoveries? What recoveries...

24. We have no treatment, except that there may be an extremely effective one which has been around since the 1960's that apparently is not dangerous at all unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications). ORANGE MAN BAD. Ignore him at all costs, especially when he's right.

25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will ONLY disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so we must remain locked up to flatten the curve, until it spikes again when we're all released with pent-up desire to hug literally everyone.

See? Simple as that.