One of my mom's regulars (when I did sumpin' stupid) was, "Boy, if you had half a brain, it'd be lonesome for the other half!" She used another regular when I'd use the word "if" ... like "if I had a car, I wouldn't have to walk to school." She'd come back with, "Yeah, and if your aunt had balls, she'd be your uncle!"

Speaking of uncles, my Uncle Jessie always told me, "Boy, if they ever cut the top of your head off, there'd be nothing but nekkid wimmin runnin' out'ta there!"