Is this what social media has turned into?

[Thumper]

Am I just a dinosaur in this social media whirlpool? Have normal manners (?) and protocol gone straight into the toilet? I'm baffled. A little background ...

My mom and dad divorced almost 50 years ago and my dad remarried (I attended the wedding). They soon had two boys (twins) and we're not super close (one lives in California and one in Washington state), but we stay in touch. We spent quite a bit of time together while they were kids (when I lived in California) and when the family moved to Florida, they stayed at our house for a month or two while they were house hunting. My step-mom and I talk maybe once/mo. and I know the rest of her family and we talk occasionally.

I talked to my step-mom around the end of July and she said she had been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She had an appointment on 8/1 to discuss treatment options, so around the 3rd or 4th I called her to get an update, but the phone went straight to voicemail. This continued for 4-5 days, so I wondered if maybe she'd been admitted. I called both my half-brothers and was told she's declined chemo and has gone into hospice, but was pretty incoherent 90% of the time. I asked them to keep me informed.

Well, last night I happened to be perusing my FB page and noticed BOTH of them had posts on their FB pages that my step-mom passed away yesterday! I called everyone on OUR side of the family and not one of them knew anything about it! I still have not received a call, text or even an email notifying me.

Is this what the social media world has turned into? The boys are in their early 40's, both college educated and fairly successful. I'm SURE ... kind'a ... that I'll hear from at least one of them soon ... but I'm not sure I should hold my breath. I'm sure they're busy with arrangements, etc, so maybe they think the "announcement" on FB is all that's required, I dunno. Comments? Opinions? Is this the new norm?

[DeputyDog]

I know a lot of people that use Facebook or other social media as their primary source of communication. It seems pretty common for the announcement there to be the only way they pass on the info, whether it's a party/event invitation or announcement of some other event in their lives.

I've noticed that my kids, both teens, and a lot of their friends would rather communicate through socials than face to face with people.

[Thumper]

That seems to be the way things work these days. They didn’t even have me tagged, so I never would have seen it if I hadn’t simply stumbled upon it. This is just hard to get used to when you’re an old fart I guess. Just a simple text like, “Hey, I thought you’d want to know, mom passed away this afternoon!”

Texts come straight through to me. I don’t spend a lot of time on FB. Maybe I just need to come out of the Dark Ages and get with the program. I’m thinking of sitting tight just to see how long it takes one of them to reach out to me personally. I assume it was expected as they were both with her when she passed. I’m having trouble grasping this social media b/s as an acceptable means of communication for something like this.


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[BarryBobPosthole]

Just a friendly reminder of logic, Jim. Social media doesn’t treat people like assholes, people treat people like assholes.

And I’m sorry to hear about your stepmom.

BKb

[quercus alba]

Billy Currington is right, God is great, beer is good and people are crazy.

You can substitute a$$holes for crazy if you'd like

[Chicken Dinner]

I don’t even try to keep up with “social norms” any more other than what I need to know for work and that’s a big enough mine field.

I, too, am sorry to hear about your step mother.


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[Penguin]

Dealing with the death of a relative/loved one is always uncomfortable and you have my sympathies Jim.

From time to time I pick a subject and do a good bit of research on it when time permits. I actually (miracle of miracles) had some time this past summer to delve into a couple things, how the young are reacting to what I see as the loss of the US empire, and how were young men in particular reacting to such a changed landscape when compared to what I experienced as a young'en. Funny thing is that both subjects ended up touching on what you brought up: digital communication and its shortcomings.

IOW the young, at least some of the ones whose work I looked at, are starting to come to the conclusion that 90% of what you see as political/social/etc. online discussions are nothing more than performative. Online demonstrations of outrage, remorse, sadness, compassion, or whatever was required to enhance prestige without the pain of actually engaging the real world and trying to deal with actual people. It was a fascinating study.

They acknowledged that building your own circle of friends, community, whatever is very difficult to do in the real world as opposed to doing it online, but they argued that it was necessary if you wanted the rewards of having an actual circle of friends who made life worth living. Notifying family of a death via social media is infinitely less painful and uncomfortable than making phone calls or visits to people who you rarely speak to or have a history of friction with... hell even with those we really love.

I don't have a brilliant insight to present or a life changing lesson to be had in all of this. But I will say you are not the only one to notice the shortcomings of using social media in lieu of actual personal contact with someone. And some of them are very young an not who you would expect to feel that way. Even this old fashioned online forum retained its occasional in person meetups and fishing trips. It has been kind of a cross between the old and new in that respect.

Will

[Thumper]

As usual, an excellent observation from you Bill. I still haven’t heard from either of them personally, so I’m assuming FB will be the only notification sent. I’ll give it a few more days for things to settle down, then I’ll give them a call on my trusty phone.

As a side note, I suppose I’m just as guilty in a less dramatic way. I have to admit I haven’t written a letter or sent a “hard copy” type greeting card in a bazillion years, but an email still “feels” more personal than an open, social media post.

[BarryBobPosthole]

I hear what y’all are saying, but I think its a cop out. The changes in parenting came along a long time before social media existed and its what I think is accountable for the societal ills that concern us all. My own upbringing is a prime example. Next year I turn 70, and my sibs turn 62, 60, and 50. So its almost like the four of us were raised by different generations of parents given how we were raised. I was raised in the country with chores/jobs that kept me busy when I wasn’t involved in football, baseball, band, drinking with my buddies on a country road, etc. I had my first paying job at 14, working at night cleaning up a garment factory in town. When my middle brother and sister came along, my parents were in full blown career mode, running their businesses so those two ended up watching a lot of TV in the back while my parents worked. My youngest brother is 20 years younger than me and was essentially raised by my sister and brother.
All of this isn’t a complaint, but we did grow up radically different. I left home at 17 and never lived at home again or have even lived close to home. My sibs all built houses on the family farm. When they were needed by my sibs my folks helicoptered in a dealt with whatever it was. And don’t get me wrong, my sibs grew up happy, but they didn’t get near the first hand (emphasis on hand) direction I did.
Practically all of my friends raised their kids like I did, with both parents working and doing all they could to raise families, work a shit ton of hours to ‘make it’ in our careers, and manage to stay nominally sane. Our kids came home from school to an empty house every day.
In my ‘senior’ years I feel like I’ve learned some things. One is that my generation’s values were totally fucked up. So I blame helicopter parenting, upside down values, and our country’s social values that esteems business success over personal success as a human.
Its the root cause of our environmental issues as well as our societal ones. Before we ever fix any of it, we’re going to have to take The Economy’ down a rung or two and redefine what we call success as a person.
I know that doesn’t play well in today’s politics, but to the point under discussion I believe social media is a symptom, not the problem.

BKB